My Mind My Body

 

In preparation for this article, I went online to find out how many adults are on a diet at any given time. I found that anywhere from 20% to almost 50% of people, particularly women, are dieting at this very moment. Unfortunately, that wasn’t very surprising considering how much diet talk I hear around me in the lunchroom at work. The shocker came when I read that most 10 year-olds have been on a diet. Being a 10 year-old used to mean playing at the park and jumping rope, but that has since transformed into worrying about weight and developing eating disorders at a younger age. This was not just shocking, it was heartbreaking. …

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During the early stages of my eating disorder recovery, I hated seeing pictures of myself. Each new photo I came across was picked apart and examined for every little imperfection. I tortured myself by focusing on the rolls of my stomach, the roundness of my hips, and the lack of definition in my upper arms all the while fondly thinking about my eating disordered thinner self. This activity never did me any good and only made me want to return to my old restrictive ways. …

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One of my greatest fears when I stopped dieting was that people would notice that I put on weight. I prided myself on being thin and knew that that would go by the wayside once I started eating again after years of restriction. Granted, the number on the scale went up gradually, but the mental hurdle of gaining a few pounds and worrying that someone would think “Wow, she’s letting herself go!” was almost too much to bear sometimes. …

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In my dieting days my goal was to eat the fewest amount of calories as possible, and I applied this strategy when I went to lunch with some friends one day. They all ordered burgers and fries…and I ordered salmon and steamed broccoli. After eating my so-called healthy meal, I looked longingly at their fries even though I was stuffed. At the time, I was confused because all of my dieting books told me that if I was full, then I’d be content. What I now know is that being full is very different than being satisfied. …

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When I was young I had a security blanket. It helped me fall asleep at bedtime and brought me comfort in unfamiliar or stressful situations. I eventually became a “big girl” and parted ways with my blanket. As an adult, I found myself yearning for that sense of security when life became overwhelming. I searched and did find that feeling again, but rather than a blanket, it came in the form of an eating disorder. …

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